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Reload this Page A Gift for my Wife
Jokes and Funny stuff. Tired of getting the same jokes in your email that your aunt or sister has sent you but want to share it. Put it here and let everyone in on the joke

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A Gift for my Wife
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Default A Gift for my Wife - 07-23-2008, 02:24 PM

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my
interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc
of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the
face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed
to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to
give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want
some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a
major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make
your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst
longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm
looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch
in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy
triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side
as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst
from
such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give
myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my
naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS
OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up
in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a
picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an atempt to avoid
getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one
note
of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap
yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be
considered conservative?

SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed
the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
originally was.

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt
like it had been shot up with Novocaine, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I had no control over the drooling. Apparrently I shit myself, but was too
numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke
cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking
for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his
lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:


Fear is not what defines you, your actions in the face of Fear is who you are!!! I won't be scared to push myself anymore!

http://www.fitday.com/WebFit/PublicJ...wner=drakedogg
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Default 07-23-2008, 03:39 PM

heheh! That cat would have been my first choice...no question!
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Default 07-23-2008, 04:04 PM

yeah i agree - i hate cats... sorry gracie... BZZZZZZZZZZ


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Default 07-23-2008, 04:56 PM

the last time i went to michigan to visit my family, i went to my buddies house for a night of drinkin and two of them were in the house and i kow i heard them firing the taser up,it makes a distinct noise, i didnt know they had one at that point.
about an hour later it made its first,of many, appearance. while my back was turned one of them got me in the back of the neck, i collapsed and dropped my beer and landed on my knees. it hurt like hell.
long story short, it was used atleast 20 times throughout the nite on everyone that was there. the worst one was a nut shot to his neighbor, i never heard a guy scream like that then start crying. it was the funniest thing i ever seen.
my buddy who bought it got it when he was fast asleep under his arm. that was also very funny.


Controlled labs supps.
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Default 07-23-2008, 05:00 PM

Oh, that is too funny!!! I'm sorry for your misfortune but I can't stop laughing!!! Glad your ok.
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Default 07-23-2008, 08:52 PM

OMG Drake my arse is laughing so hard right now!!!!!!!!!! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL


Jack3D and that's it, nothing else other then FOOD
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Default 07-23-2008, 09:27 PM

DRAKE!!! You made my fucking night buddy, OMG, I Laughed so Hard a cried, I am still laughing. I can't even type. I m sorry that it happen to you BUT it made me laugh so hard you have no IDEA. You are the fucking man for doing that to your self. I am goin to propose that Budwiser does a Real Men Skit just for you. "Today we salute you mr. Guy who tases himself" That was seriously without a doubt the funniest fucking thing I have ever red in my entire life.


IF you doubt yourself you've already lost
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Default 07-24-2008, 12:16 AM

omg that really killed me from laughing so hard.
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Default 07-24-2008, 07:01 AM

Well I'm glad you guys liked this so much but I must confess it wasn't me being a moron this time. Read the last two lines again, it was submitted by someone to something and I got it in an email. Couldn't forward to all of you guys cause I don't have all your emails. Just spreading the love.

On a side note, I used to have one of those that was ran on 2 AA batteries and thought about it but never could "man up" to do it.


Fear is not what defines you, your actions in the face of Fear is who you are!!! I won't be scared to push myself anymore!

http://www.fitday.com/WebFit/PublicJ...wner=drakedogg
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Default 07-24-2008, 08:08 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Drakedogg View Post

On a side note, I used to have one of those that was ran on 2 AA batteries and thought about it but never could "man up" to do it.
Don't you have a cat?


Socrates: "All men's souls are immortal, but the souls of the righteous are immortal and divine."
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Default 07-24-2008, 09:19 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by RickB View Post
Don't you have a cat?

shame on you. LOL.


FREE YOUR MIND AND YOUR ASS WILL FOLLOW
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Default 07-24-2008, 06:22 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by RickB View Post
Don't you have a cat?
HELLLLLL NO!


Fear is not what defines you, your actions in the face of Fear is who you are!!! I won't be scared to push myself anymore!

http://www.fitday.com/WebFit/PublicJ...wner=drakedogg
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Default 07-24-2008, 07:28 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Drakedogg View Post
HELLLLLL NO!
That's the way I feel too! I love dogs though!


Socrates: "All men's souls are immortal, but the souls of the righteous are immortal and divine."
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Default 07-30-2008, 10:42 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by RickB View Post
That's the way I feel too! I love dogs though!
I totally agree as well.


Do work!
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